As far as weeks go, I think it’s safe to say that I’m having a terrible one. To begin with, my parents are currently away road tripping to Oregon, leaving me in a big empty house with no one but my brother (who isn’t exactly a chatterbox) and my cat to keep me company. Then, I made the mistake of wading into the wrong patch of woods on our farm, resulting in poison ivy rashes and blisters all over my legs. To cap it off, I got sick on Monday night and made a big mess of it, making cleanup gross and difficult. (Sorry if that’s too much information…) Continue reading
I’ve been absent from the blogosphere lately… mostly because life is moving forward faster than expected and, when I finally catch my breath, the last thing I want to do is process things by writing.
Over the past few weeks, I have learned a great deal about job hunting. When I started this journey, all I wanted was employment. “Dear magical job fairy,” I prayed, “just give me work!” I now realize how naive and arrogant that appears.
Yes, scrolling through job forums is boring. There are so many jobs that just don’t strike me as very interesting. Sure, I could do well as an administrative assistant and would succeed doing marketing via social media. But would my heart be in my work? I’ve learned that I need to identify what I want in a job and be ready to fight for that. Continue reading
Everyone always says that the hardest part about going abroad is coming home.
Slowly, I’ve been getting used to being back in America. At first, it was WEIRD. It’s the little things about your own culture that are the oddest, the things you only notice when you’ve been away for a long time. Used to everyone speaking different languages and a wide variety of accents, I found myself wondering why everyone sounded the same. American accents are so bland! Also, accustomed to the reserve of most Europeans, I found the open friendliness of Americans strange. “Why are all of these people being so nice?” I wondered. “I don’t even know them!” Continue reading
Growing up can be a jarring experience. You move out into the world and, suddenly, everything you’ve ever known is different. After a while, you get used to it. Life is fluid. That’s just the way the world works.
Some things, though, never change. Like Christmas.
Although we’re not exactly warm and cuddly, my family has always been close. We push each other’s buttons and drive each other crazy, but have always enjoyed spending time together.
Christmas has definitely been different this year, with Grandpa in the hospital. But, in many ways, it’s still the same. As I said in yesterday’s post, no matter what happens, Christmas is still Christmas.
Many years ago, before college, I had a moment one Christmas when I realized that it wouldn’t always be like this. There will hit a point when we’re all grown up and have families of our own. We’ll be too far away to come together like we always have.
I’m thankful that this hasn’t happened yet.
But don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing a year from now. I don’t know if I’ll be home for Christmas. So I’m bound and determined to make the most out of this year’s holiday. I’m going to soak it all in, from the decorations to the carols to the time spent with family, and make memories that will last.
Merry Christmas, dear readers! I’m very thankful for each and every one of you. I wish you joy and blessings this holiday season.
Tis the Season is a yearly holiday-themed series on Keep Your Feet. The goal is to bring the blogging community together to celebrate holiday memories and traditions.
My coat wasn’t quite warm enough, but I hardly cared. Perched on my rock, it was not the bite of the wind that took my breath, but the blue of the water stretching for miles before my feet.
Duluth, Minnesota is an old industrial town. Perched on the Westernmost tip of Lake Superior, it’s an important harbor and port for ships bringing goods and services across the Great Lakes. Before settling to soak in the view, I had the pleasure of watching one of the enormous freight ships slip into the harbor, skirting gracefully under the iconic lift bridge. Strolling along the boardwalk, old manufacturing warehouses and mills (now hotels, shops, and restaurants) on one side and, on the other, the endless lake. I’ve been coming to this city since I was a little girl. The boardwalk, the worn brick buildings, the lake–they’re all part of me.
My nose was beginning to run, but I perched along the shore anyways. In that moment, soaking in the beauty of the sunlight glistening on the waves, a deep peace settled over my spirit.
The past few weeks have been a torrent of upheaval–from persisting unhappiness to my job to arranging to leave the country in January to terrorist attacks and political strife.
It felt so good to get away, to sleep in a bed twice the size of my own, to eat pizza in front of a hotel TV as my brother gushed about Star Wars. It felt good to look out my window and see city, not forest or fields. It felt good o walk along the boardwalk, to sit on the rocks, to watch the ships come into harbor.
It blows me away how crazy this world is. Things are always changing and I am no exception. I don’t know what the adventures ahead have in store. I don’t know how my experiences will shape me and who I will become. This both terrifying and liberating.
I can’t help but think of the quote from which this blog is named:
“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.” J.R.R. Tolkien
Moments like these ones, silently dwelling in the places that have known me for so long, give me the courage to take that leap. The peace that dwells in my innermost being gives me the strength to see what’s out in the world and discover who I’m going to be next.
Weird title, I know.
By two o’clock today, I had gone to church, worked out, and finished all my weekend homework. All my friends were busy, and I was left with an entire afternoon with nothing to do. I’m an introvert, but too much time alone in my room makes me lonely. It’s like my heart feels heavy and empty and no amount of Netflix can make it better. Knowing I had hours ahead of me in my own company, I didn’t want to waste the day moping around.
So I took action by taking myself on a date.
It was a wonderful afternoon. I sang to the radio during the hour drive to and from Alexandria. I talked to my mom on the phone. I went to see Cinderella a second time and loved it just as much as the first. (Be sure to check out my post about it!) I went out to eat and spent dinner with my favorite John Green novel. (Which, in case you were wondering, is Paper Towns.) I meandered through Target, sighing over pretty clothes and household decorations. I purchased a new purse and the final Hobbit movie. (Be sure to check out my post about that one too!).
On the drive home, I spent a great deal of time meditating on the nostalgia that comes with the end of a season in life. With only a handful of weeks left of college, there are so many aspects of life here that I’ve taken for granted. As I approached Morris, instead of heading to campus, I drove to the overlook just outside of town. Perched on a rock, I watched the sun set over the tiny town I’ve called home these past few years. It was such a beautiful, peaceful moment– one that I know I’ll hold in my heart for a long time.
Afternoons like this one remind me that incredible joy can be found in little things. It felt so good to forget the stresses of college, to drive away, and do things just for the sake of doing them. I think that it’s important to learn to date yourself. You can have a lot of fun and learn a great deal in your own company.
Over the past week, I’ve rediscovered my outdoorsy self. Growing up, my parents were always taking us on outdoor adventures. Hiking, biking, fishing–you name it, we did it. Summers weren’t complete without camping in the woods of Northern Minnesota and swimming in one of the 10,000+ lakes.
During the school year, I get so bogged down by academia that I forget how beautiful the world is. I forget about fresh air, sunshine, and the smell of thawing earth as it awakens to Spring.
Filled with vigor from my ski-cation earlier this week, I decided yesterday to go hiking instead of lying around the house all afternoon. It was a short three-mile loop, but oh, it was worth it.
You see, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the state (after the North Shore, of course). Five minutes from the border with Wisconsin, the St. Croix River Valley is at my fingertips.
I parked in Taylors Falls, hiked to the top of the bluffs, back down along the cliff face, and back to town via a trail by the river. Along the way, I stopped to soak in the sunshine and do some reading.
I long for a life of adventure. I want to do things, meet people, and see the world. Sometimes, though, it’s good to step back and remember that adventure can be a mere five minutes away. All you have to do is stop and look for it.
What adventures lie just beyond your doorstep?
This afternoon, I spent some time looking through my very first blog. (Yes, it still exists. No, I will not provide a link.) Most of the time, when I think about that blog, I shake my head in shame at fifteen year old Amelia and ask, “Why did you think that was okay to post on the Internet?” As I perused all the old posts, however, I found one that stood out.
Four years ago, I was a high school senior. All I knew about the future was that I was going to Morris in the fall to major in English. The rest was a mystery.
Here are some words by my eighteen year old self. Mind you, it’s not a very organized post. I go off on random tangents. What can I say? I was eighteen and hadn’t studied how to write well. High school writing classes are a joke.
But I think, overall, I hit the nail on the head regarding what it feels like to be on the verge of moving on. Life moves quickly. If you don’t take time to capture the little things, you will forget about them. A lot of what I say continues to resonate. Because the little things matter and, in no time at all, they will be gone.
Anyways, just read it. I liked it. Maybe you will too.
It’s approximately 10:54 P.M. and I just finished watching the movie Morning Glory with my family.
OH MY GOODNESS. THE GUY WHO PLAYS RAOUL IN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS IN IT. AND HE HAS SHORT HAIR AND ISN’T UGLY.
Shocker, I know.
Anyways. I feel like I haven’t offered anything deep and insightful to the world lately. Every day is just the same old routine. Get up when the alarm goes off, pedal through another day of classes, and then spend my afternoon and evening twiddling away on the computer and consuming books. I haven’t written any poetry in ages. I haven’t hung out with my best friends outside of school since prom. I can’t even find something better to do than hang out with my family on a Friday night.
I’m not saying that spending time with family isn’t a good thing… it definitely is. I just feel like I should be savoring my last few weeks of high school, you know? I should be out raiding WalMart or star tipping. I should be laughing so hard I’m almost crying. I should be sitting around a bonfire reminiscing about good times and making vague plans for the future.
But, you know what? I’m not.
Right now, it’s 10:59 P.M. on Friday, May 13.
I’m sitting on my bed, typing on my mom’s crappy old laptop, thinking about Rachel McAdams and the guy who plays Raoul. I’m thinking about the purple dress my mom bought me for graduation. I’m thinking about Le Morte d’Arthur and all the ways Sir Thomas Malory describes knights valiantly slaughtering each other. I’m thinking about Morris and I’m thinking about what life will be like on my own. I’m thinking about getting my third perfect score on a College Sociology test in a row. I’m thinking about the picture of babies in egg cartons I found in a magazine. I’m thinking about how, yesterday, I was sitting on my phone, and it suddenly goes, “It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool”, and I was surprised because I forgot that I changed my texting ring tone to this.
I’m thinking all these things and wondering why I don’t just stop my fingers from typing. I’m wondering why I’m still going on and on and on about things nobody probably cares about. And if nobody cares… then I’m wondering why I’m still blabbing.
I guess I think of this blog as my life story. Every month is another chapter. Every post is another page. Maybe I keep writing about all the random crap going on because… one day… I’m not going to remember tonight. I’m not going to remember watching Morning Glory or those three perfect Sociology tests or hearing the Eleventh Doctor’s voice coming from under my butt as I read Le Morte d’Arthur. Tonight will fade away and blabbing on is the only way I can keep it from getting lost.
It’s like dreams. When you first wake up, they’re clear and fresh in your brain. As the day goes on, reality takes over and the edges become blurred and fuzzy. You try to tell someone about your dream and find yourself saying, “I remember it was exciting and crazy and didn’t make any sense… but I just can’t figure out what it was.” The only way to make sure the dream lives past ten o’clock in the morning is by writing it down the second you wake up.
The same can be said for memories. One day, even a year from now, what is real today isn’t going to be a reality anymore. In a year, I won’t be a high school senior with only a few short weeks left. I won’t be living with my parents. I won’t be sleeping in the bed I’ve always slept in. I won’t even have this crappy laptop to write on. These days, these meaningless days where all I do is wake up when the alarm goes off, pedal through classes, and twiddle away time on the Internet will be nothing more than a memory. They’ll be a reality that has come and gone.
Don’t you get it? I need to write about my life. I need to write about seemingly meaningless days. I need to write about parties and friends and ordinary experiences. If I don’t, I’ll move on to the next reality and forget. I’ll wake up and, by ten o’clock, my senior year will be nothing but a fuzzy blur in the land of days gone by.
It’s now 11:18 P.M. I’m sitting here, typing away on my mom’s old, crappy laptop, covered in the soft, fuzzy blanket my aunt and uncle gave me for Christmas, and thinking about dresses and movies and King Arthur.
Welcome to my life
There are days when I long for London.
I grew up (and attended college) in the country, but man… London has wedged its way into my heart. When I left, its loss was searing. I couldn’t go a day without longing to be back. The longer I’ve been away, though, the more life conceals my love of England’s capital. It’s like a piece of gold buried in my heart that is buried more every day. Out of sight, out of mind–as they say.
But then, suddenly, it all comes back.
I remember the feel of my feet on the pavement. The splatter of rain on my umbrella. The sound of people of every age and color jostling for a place to stand on the Tube. The twitters of excitement as the curtain draws at the start of a West End show. The laughter of kids on field trips in art galleries. Dogs barking in Hyde Park. Red double-decker busses lumbering through the city. Eager shoppers flocking on Oxford Street. The warm laughter coming from pubs. The musty scent of books haphazardly stacked floor to ceiling in the stores on Charing Cross Road. The clang of Big Ben. The elegant statues of Whitehall.
As the memories flood back, I’m overcome with longing.
Virginia Woolf states it best in Mrs. Dalloway:
“One feels even in the midst of the traffic, or waking at night, Clarissa was positive, a particular hush, or solemnity; an indescribable pause; a suspense before Big Ben strikes. There! Out it boomed. First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable. The leaden circles dissolved in the air. Such fools we are, she thought, crossing Victoria Street. For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps, the most dejected of miseries sitting on doorsteps (drink their downfall) do the same; can’t be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life. In people’s eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was what she loved; life; London; this moment in June.”
To love London is to love life.
Will I ever be back?
When it comes to academics, there are honestly some days where I feel like one big phony.
At this point, it’s all a game. Go to class, speak up, do the readings, write the papers, give the professors what they want. It’s funny how the deeper I have gotten in my upper-level courses, the more I know this isn’t what I want to do with my life. Academia isn’t for me. I don’t want to be a student anymore. When I speak up in class, when I write papers, when I look like I’m so on top of things, it’s all an act. It’s me playing the game to get the grade.
I want to do something meaningful with my life. I’m sick of sitting around. I’m sick of playing the game. There are times when I feel like Rapunzel, trapped in her tower, singing about all the mindless things she does to pass the time. The parallel isn’t perfect, of course. I lack magic hair, an emotionally abusive mother figure, and am certainly not trapped in a tower. But I’m tired of waiting.
I’m so close to graduating. There’s just a couple of months standing between me and finally getting my degree. My life is going places–big, exciting, unknown places.
Do I have it in me to play the game for just a few more months? I sure hope so.