This afternoon, I spent some time looking through my very first blog. (Yes, it still exists. No, I will not provide a link.) Most of the time, when I think about that blog, I shake my head in shame at fifteen year old Amelia and ask, “Why did you think that was okay to post on the Internet?” As I perused all the old posts, however, I found one that stood out.
Four years ago, I was a high school senior. All I knew about the future was that I was going to Morris in the fall to major in English. The rest was a mystery.
Here are some words by my eighteen year old self. Mind you, it’s not a very organized post. I go off on random tangents. What can I say? I was eighteen and hadn’t studied how to write well. High school writing classes are a joke.
But I think, overall, I hit the nail on the head regarding what it feels like to be on the verge of moving on. Life moves quickly. If you don’t take time to capture the little things, you will forget about them. A lot of what I say continues to resonate. Because the little things matter and, in no time at all, they will be gone.
Anyways, just read it. I liked it. Maybe you will too.
It’s approximately 10:54 P.M. and I just finished watching the movie Morning Glory with my family.
OH MY GOODNESS. THE GUY WHO PLAYS RAOUL IN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS IN IT. AND HE HAS SHORT HAIR AND ISN’T UGLY.
Shocker, I know.
Anyways. I feel like I haven’t offered anything deep and insightful to the world lately. Every day is just the same old routine. Get up when the alarm goes off, pedal through another day of classes, and then spend my afternoon and evening twiddling away on the computer and consuming books. I haven’t written any poetry in ages. I haven’t hung out with my best friends outside of school since prom. I can’t even find something better to do than hang out with my family on a Friday night.
I’m not saying that spending time with family isn’t a good thing… it definitely is. I just feel like I should be savoring my last few weeks of high school, you know? I should be out raiding WalMart or star tipping. I should be laughing so hard I’m almost crying. I should be sitting around a bonfire reminiscing about good times and making vague plans for the future.
But, you know what? I’m not.
Right now, it’s 10:59 P.M. on Friday, May 13.
I’m sitting on my bed, typing on my mom’s crappy old laptop, thinking about Rachel McAdams and the guy who plays Raoul. I’m thinking about the purple dress my mom bought me for graduation. I’m thinking about Le Morte d’Arthur and all the ways Sir Thomas Malory describes knights valiantly slaughtering each other. I’m thinking about Morris and I’m thinking about what life will be like on my own. I’m thinking about getting my third perfect score on a College Sociology test in a row. I’m thinking about the picture of babies in egg cartons I found in a magazine. I’m thinking about how, yesterday, I was sitting on my phone, and it suddenly goes, “It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool”, and I was surprised because I forgot that I changed my texting ring tone to this.
I’m thinking all these things and wondering why I don’t just stop my fingers from typing. I’m wondering why I’m still going on and on and on about things nobody probably cares about. And if nobody cares… then I’m wondering why I’m still blabbing.
I guess I think of this blog as my life story. Every month is another chapter. Every post is another page. Maybe I keep writing about all the random crap going on because… one day… I’m not going to remember tonight. I’m not going to remember watching Morning Glory or those three perfect Sociology tests or hearing the Eleventh Doctor’s voice coming from under my butt as I read Le Morte d’Arthur. Tonight will fade away and blabbing on is the only way I can keep it from getting lost.
It’s like dreams. When you first wake up, they’re clear and fresh in your brain. As the day goes on, reality takes over and the edges become blurred and fuzzy. You try to tell someone about your dream and find yourself saying, “I remember it was exciting and crazy and didn’t make any sense… but I just can’t figure out what it was.” The only way to make sure the dream lives past ten o’clock in the morning is by writing it down the second you wake up.
The same can be said for memories. One day, even a year from now, what is real today isn’t going to be a reality anymore. In a year, I won’t be a high school senior with only a few short weeks left. I won’t be living with my parents. I won’t be sleeping in the bed I’ve always slept in. I won’t even have this crappy laptop to write on. These days, these meaningless days where all I do is wake up when the alarm goes off, pedal through classes, and twiddle away time on the Internet will be nothing more than a memory. They’ll be a reality that has come and gone.
Don’t you get it? I need to write about my life. I need to write about seemingly meaningless days. I need to write about parties and friends and ordinary experiences. If I don’t, I’ll move on to the next reality and forget. I’ll wake up and, by ten o’clock, my senior year will be nothing but a fuzzy blur in the land of days gone by.
It’s now 11:18 P.M. I’m sitting here, typing away on my mom’s old, crappy laptop, covered in the soft, fuzzy blanket my aunt and uncle gave me for Christmas, and thinking about dresses and movies and King Arthur.
Welcome to my life