We’ve hit the season when everyone reflects on what has occurred during the past year and dreams of the year to come. I am no exception.
What strikes me, though, is time’s beautiful ability to slip elegantly from one minute to one day to one year. Tomorrow may be a new year, but take away the countdowns, the parties, the reflection, it is simply a new day. Just as today was a new day. I love that.
It is difficult to pinpoint the significance of 2017. Before, each year had deep meaning, filled with momentous occasions and deep soul searching. 2015 was the year I finished college, filled with questions and striving. 2016 was the year I trekked across Europe and stumbled into my life’s work.
But 2017? I suppose it is an extension of all the years before, as if all the momentous occasions, questions, journeys, and stumbles were leading to what I am doing now: living day by day, moment by moment.
This year, I continued life in the small town library where I work. I experienced my first Summer Reading Program, started a Lego Club, and continued building relationships with my patrons.
This year, I applied, was accepted, and began graduate school online through the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. Grad school is not easy, but it’s taught me to make time for self-care and that sanity is more important than grades. This attitude helped me get through my first semester with my sanity and GPA in tact. Already, pursing my Masters in Library and Information Science has helped improve my skills and understanding of my work. While I frequently whine and complain about the stress of my studies, I am deeply thankful for this opportunity.
This year, I continued living with my parents. All year, I have bounced back and forth. Should I move closer to work? Do I want to live in that community? Is it worth it to continue driving an hour to work and back each day? I’m still struggling with these questions. While I like living with my parents, I’m ready to be on my own. But I have absolutely no desire to live in the community where I work and cannot afford to both pay rent and continue commuting. This is something I’ll continue to wrestle with as the new year comes.
This year, I made new friends and continued walking with old ones. From road trip buddies to coffee shop chats monthly letters, I am extremely blessed in the friendship department and am so, so thankful.
This year, my faith journey brought me somewhere between the desert and the river valley. I’m attending church again and am encouraged by friendships, but still feel like I’m walking alone. In college, my faith journey was wild, frantic, and I pursued the path with relentless passion. My faith has changed dramatically since then. I’ve evened out. I’ve simultaneously rejected the fundamentalism of my upbringing while holding firmly to my spiritual beliefs and heritage. I’m calmer now. I continue to study, but I hold my faith with open hands. I long to be a person of high character, quietly bettering the world around me, letting my actions speak louder than my words. 2017 was a step in that direction.
This year, I spent each day with Wendell Berry. As part of my devotions each morning, I ended by reading one of his Sabbath poems. Of all my routines, this was my favorite. Morning by morning, his words brought me into still forests, quiet fields, and sunlit meadows. I reached the end of the book in October and went right back to the beginning.
This year, I continued my never ending love affair with the written word. Thanks to audiobooks during my long commute and a deepening passion for YA, I blew past my previous reading records, making it through 212 books in a mere 12 months. For more about my reading year, check out my previous post.
I suppose, in light of all these things, 2017 was a pretty good year. (Minus the dumpster fires of national politics and natural disasters, of course.) I grew, I worked, I learned. What more can one ask for?
Tonight, when the clock strikes twelve, we will slip elegantly into a 2018. Where will this year take us? What decisions will I make? What people will I meet? What places will I go? What words will I be writing one year from now? I haven’t the slightest clue, and that is a very exciting thing.
Whoever you are, wherever you may be, I wish you a very happy New Year!
Lately, I’ve been going on hikes to prepare for an upcoming road trip. On the weekend, no matter the weather, I spend my morning at my local state park. There is a five mile loop that goes along the river and up into the bluffs. It’s a great place to train and an even better place to think.
This morning, rain was in the forecast and I had the trail all to myself. One of my favorite things about hiking is the way the cadence of my footsteps pushes my brain to places that feel high and rich. As I scrambled over rocks, past trees, and up high hills, I found myself deeply moved by spring.
In Minnesota, spring comes slowly. It comes in waves of warm and cool weather, rain and sun, green grass and sticky mud.
On the trail, most of the forest was still brown and dead. The leaves were just starting to peek forth–a green blush against the rainy sky. The ground was scattered with little flowers–pink and white and purple and yellow.
What a miracle it is, that life emerges from the bare earth. It reminds me that there will come a day where there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more injustice.
Spring comes forth in quiet radiance, whispering of life and peace and, best of all, hope.
In past Tis the Seasons, I’ve shared many, many holiday stories: family traditions, interesting historical tidbits, heartfelt sentiments, favorite songs, and so on. When faced with writing a post this year, though, writers block hit and it hit HARD. I had lots of ideas, from sharing new memories to fleshing out older stories, but every time I sat down to write, I ended up staring at a blank page. The words just wouldn’t come.
Then, I got thinking about what my friend Rachel said in her post earlier this week about Christmas being a time of light in the darkness and hope when all feels lost. The more I thought about it, the more it felt right. Light in the darkness… what a timely message.
We live in days of darkness, days of sorrow, days of pain, days of disappointment. It’s been a rough year for so many both here in America and abroad. We live in days of horrific war, days of the displacement and death of innocents, days of bombs and destruction. We live in days of intolerance, of cruelty, of fear. We live in days where people are massacred and ostracized for their beliefs, for their cultural heritage, for their orientation, and for their gender. We live in days of doubt and days of deep insecurity where truth and trust cease to exist. Continue reading →
I think it’s safe to say that, no matter where you lie on the political spectrum, this week has been crazy.
On the day after the presidential election, a progressive Christian magazine I enjoy put out a call for readers to share their stories. Wednesday was pretty turbulent for me emotionally and putting things into words is usually helps me process things, so I took the time to write about how I felt.
Usually, I keep my head down on social media when it comes to divisive current events. I try to keep away from politics and anything that will cause division, judgement, or criticism. I broke that rule on Facebook a few times this fall in outrage over our now president-elect’s words about women. In the days after the election, though, I found that there was just too much going on inside me and found the words pouring out. If I were to put my piece in a category, I would call it a lament: an outpouring of emotion that captures the pain of a moment in time.
I submitted my piece and, to my surprise, Sojourners published it on their website. Before you read this post any further, please take a moment to read the piece, which can be found here. Continue reading →
I recently discovered Gerard Manley Hopkins and… dang. His poems are sometimes difficult to understand, but such a pleasure to read aloud. I love the sounds and interplay between words–they fill my mouth like rich food and I slowly chew the sounds, savoring each bite. I find certain lines getting caught in my head and, as the day goes on, I repeat them to myself over and over again.
Well, friends. I have arrived at L’Abri! For the next few months, I will be living in a manor house in Hampshire, England. It’s going to be an incredible adventure. Half my time will be spent in personal study and the other half will be spent working–cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc. There are people here from all ages, all walks of life, from all around the world. Living together will be challenging, but I know that I am going to learn and grow in great ways during my time here.
In the meantime, I don’t very good Internet access here. Which means things will relatively quiet around here over the next few months.
I’m going to miss blogging regularly, but will definitely keep writing–words tend to well up within me and I can’t keep them inside. Hopefully, they’ll find their way here on days off when I stumble upon free wifi. Who knows though, I may be off wandering the English countryside.
It will be hard, living off the grid. But I think it is going to be really, really good. It’s a time to learn, a time to reflect, and a time to grow.
As a parting gift, here is Manor House, my home for the next few months:
Last week, I had the opportunity to attend InterVarsity’s trip annual Urbana Conference.For five days, St. Louis, Missouri, was invaded by 16,000 college students and adults seeking to learn about world missions.This year’s conference was themed around one very important question: What story will you tell?
As a writer and avid reader, stories fuel my everyday life.I breathe them in, soaking in the perspectives of others.I breathe them out, letting my own experiences take shape through words.Throughout the week, we heard countless stories from around the world.We heard from indigenous people in the Pacific Island, refugees in Jordan, college students in Mexico.We heard from the persecuted church in the Middle East–the stories of men and women imprisoned for their faith.We heard the stories of our black American brothers and sisters, whose voices have been long silenced by racism and inequality.
We didn’t just hear their stories.We entered into them.Multicultural worship is a challenging, humbling experience.It was uncomfortable at times.We fumbled our way through Arabic, Korean, Hawaiian, and Swahili, to name a few of the languages.My mouth stumbled over the strange words and sounds.Even though it was different and awkward at points, entering into the songs of brothers and sisters from around the world gave me a larger picture of the Kingdom of God.The Kingdom is for everyone, for every tribe, tongue, and nation.I got to experience what that looks like at Urbana.
As a writer attending a conference centered around stories, I can’t merely describe what went on.I need to take up the pen and join in, adding my words.
I suppose my Urbana story starts with answering a question: Why missions?
My whole life, I’ve felt very drawn to Europe.Growing up, I remember reading about far-away places and having this sense of urgency.I couldn’t explain it, but I needed to go there.I needed to see these places with my own eyes.I needed to walk the streets and see the faces of the people who lived there.In 2013, I spent a semester studying abroad in London, England.During my three and a half months there, I traveled a great deal.Finally, I could see and experience the places I’ve been dreaming about my whole life.Along the way, I learned a great deal.I learned that the world is a dark, empty place, and that even though Europe is largely comprised of first-world nations, there are people who desperately need the light and love of Jesus.
Upon returning to school in the United States, it was a matter of months before I felt the need rise up in me again.I had been thinking and praying about going into ministry for a while, but my thoughts and prayers began to turn overseas.“What if,” I asked myself, “feeling drawn to Europe isn’t just me wanting to travel?What if God wired me with this desire, growing it with time, into a calling?”
Eager to dedicate my life to God, I embraced the calling.He wants me to go to Europe?I’m all in.But so much remained uncertain.Where would I go?What would I do there?Who would I serve?How would I find the money?What does the missions field even look like?
Attending the largest student missions conference in the world seemed like the logical place to answer these questions.Last week, I arrived in St. Louis, willing to go, wanting to serve, ready for God to point the way.What I didn’t realize was that, although I was intellectually ready to take the plunge, my heart had a long way to go.
Let me pause here for a moment.You should know that, although I feel very deeply, I’m not what one would call an emotional person.I rarely cry.I’m not very touchy-feely.Emotional things don’t seem to impact me like they do others.It’s as if my heart is sealed behind a series of walls and gates.Within these walls, I feel very deeply and these feelings guide the majority of the large decisions I make.But my heart and mind don’t often connect.It takes time for the right keys to get into the right doors.
When one enters into service for the Kingdom of God, it is important for their heart and mind to align.
Going into Urbana, mine did not.My brain was ready.But, frankly, my heart didn’t actually care about the people I was supposed to be going out into the world to serve.Of course,I didn’t realize any of this until after the fact.More on that later.
The first half of the conference was extremely affirming.To share a bit of my testimony, I grew up in a highly politicized church where one was treated differently if they held a different perspective.My experience with the American Evangelical church is that it places certain values over others.College was a wonderful time of exploring other worldview and perspectives.However, I’ve been living at home for the past nine months.Being back in this highly Republican community has me wondering if my family is crazy for caring about things like racial equality, LGBTQ rights, showing kindness to refugees, affirming women as leaders in the church, etc.Through speakers and seminars at Urbana, God affirmed that we are not crazy and that we are not the only ones thinking about these issues.He cares about them too.
As awesome as this affirmation was, I felt like something was missing.“I’m at the largest student missions conference in the world”, I thought.“Surely God brought me here to do more than affirm my perspective.”
I was right.
On Tuesday night, the large group session was dedicated to the persecuted church.Individuals, often unnamed and unseen, told their stories of being imprisoned and tortured for their faith.They talked about God empowering them to love their captors even in the darkest hours of their lives.We then were given time and space to pray for the church.Banners with different countries were raised and we could gather beneath them, praying for each nation.
It was a powerful night–16,000 people lifting their voices in prayer.As I knelt on the hard concrete praying for Kenya, I felt God’s Spirit rising in me.As I prayed, my words intangible even to me, I felt the keys to my heart unlock–The layers pulled back.Finally, the deep desires of my heart were accessible and in the open.
“Lord, I want to go,” I prayed.“I want to go.I want to go.I want to go.”It was a prayer of frustration.I came to Urbana hoping to find direction from God that would empower me to take the next step.Where was my direction?Where were my answers?As the dust from my prayer settled, I felt God’s voice: Not yet, Amelia.Wait.
I was confused.“What do you mean I have to wait?” I asked God.“I’m ready!” But, up until that point, I was ready with my mind.But my heart was sorely lacking.That night, God opened the floodgates to my heart and prepared me to not only hear His voice in my mind, but in my spirit.
If I had to describe Wednesday in one word, I would say it was humbling.With my newly opened heart, I came repeatedly before the Lord and listened to the words He had for me… These words were not comforting.
That morning, our passage in Bible study was the end of Matthew 25, where Jesus divides the sheep from the goats and says, “Whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters, you did for me”.As a large group, we studied the intricacies and implications of the passage deeply.I emerged with the sense that, despite my readiness to go abroad, I hadn’t given much thought to the people I’d actually be serving.I realized that when it came to serving others, I didn’t know how.
One of Wednesday’s speakers was David Platt, pastor and author of the books Radical and Follow Me.His books were the catalysts of my decision to go into ministry.I read them during a very spiritually challenging season and they pushed my desire to serve God with my life.It was incredible hearing Platt speak.The power, authority, and incredible love of God is so present in his voice and words.He talked about the woman in Matthew 26 who pours a very expensive jar of perfume on Jesus’ head as an act of love and submission.
Platt’s words cut me like knives.One statement hit my spirit like a ton of bricks:
I see myself in that statement.Here I was, trying to figure out how to get going when my heart and spirit had completely forgotten why I’m called to go in the first place.In my ambitions to go abroad, I lost my heart for Christ.Platt went on to say, “Missions is not meant to be your life.Christ is your life.Jesus is worth losing everything for.”
These words are so simple and straightforward, but my heart forgot.I forgot what it feels like, what it means to love Jesus unconditionally.My spirit churned and I felt God’s voice rising again, with words that were not comfortable:“Amelia, how can you go into the world and represent My Kingdom if you love yourself more than you love Me?You want to serve me, but don’t know how.The answer is simple: love My children.Care for them.Give yourself for them.What you do for them, you do for Me.Go, Amelia.Feed My sheep.”
I left large group that day feeling burdened with God’s Spirit, wondering what living out this command looks like in a practical manner.What does it look like?How am I to care for others?What skills and abilities do I have to contribute?Where do I fit in the grand scheme of things?How can I serve others with the gifts I have?As I meditated on my questions, God slowly revealed answers.I attended more seminars and large group sessions and began to receive smile answers.I could go into what those answers were, but that would end in lots of tangents.So I’ll start wrapping this up…
I went into Urbana feeling confident and ready.I left feeling the opposite–small, weak, and inadequate.There is so much to process.There’s so much I don’t know.Amid a big, dark world… I’m so small.So unsure.I’m leaving for England in less than a week and I don’t feel ready.I’m stepping into the vast unknown with a one-way ticket and have no idea what is in store.
The most terrifying thing is that I honestly don’t know if I’m ever coming back.At least, not permanently.
But maybe that’s the point.God isn’t looking for people who are ready.He’s not interested in how prepared I feel.He cares about my heart.He wants me in a position of weakness and humility, for it is then that I need Him most.At Urbana, He showed me that my prayers need to shift from “Where will I go?” to “Show me how to love others the way You love me”.
I don’t need to have all the answers.What I need is a heart for Christ.Like the woman in Matthew with her alabaster jar, I need to place myself under God’s authority.I need to relinquish control and let my story align with the beautiful story God is writing all across the globe, trusting that God knows what He is doing and that He will provide the next step.
I suppose the title of this post is a bit misleading.Yes, this is the story of how my life was impacted by attending Urbana.Additionally, it’s also the beginning of a new story–a story I don’t know the end to–a story in which I don’t hold the pen.There is still so far to go in the journey of cultivating a heart for others.But this is a start.
My Facebook newsfeed today was filled with opinions this morning. This isn’t unusual, as I have friends on both sides of the political divide. I usually don’t like to engage in such things on social media. I don’t like to associate with a political party. Such things breed division and strife–so I keep my opinions to myself.
But in lieu of current events and the hate that has risen in their wake, I’m finding it hard to remain silent.
As I’ve been following the debates regarding the Syrian refugee crisis, I have been absolutely appalled by the response from Christians. My Facebook feed is filled with messages along the lines of “Close the boarders because we don’t want terrorists to get in”. I saw a comment that said, “I’m all for helping the refugees, I just don’t want to let them in.”
Or, in other words, “I’m all for helping people as long as it doesn’t impact my life.” “I’m all for taking care of the poor and needy, as long as my comfort isn’t threatened.”
This makes my blood boil.
What, then, is more valuable? Comfort or human life? The ease of the rich or the despair of the poor?
To make things clear, I understand the fear. The refugees are people who are very different from us. They look different, sound different, and follow a different religion. Differences are unknowns and unknowns are scary. And yes, there is a risk that the wrong people can get in. Is this a risk we are willing to take?
A couple of my friends posted links to a short piece on Relevant Magazine titled “What the Bible Says About How to Treat Refugees“. I recommend giving it a read, for it is very good. It is a list of verses with little commentary, letting the Bible speak for itself. These verses speak of loving the poor, caring for the needy, and putting the needs of others before your own. They talk about setting aside what is comfortable in favor of preserving human life.
I’d like to add a verse to the list. 1 John 4:18:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. (ESV)
Is allowing refugees into America worth it, despite the risk of letting terrorists in? Absolutely. Because perfect love, God’s love, casts out fear.
We, as Christians, are called to love the needy and care for the broken. It’s not an option. Loving one’s neighbor as ones self is not only a command, it’s the GREATEST command. So are we going to obey? Are we going to trust that, even though there are unknowns and even though we are afraid, God is in control?
I realize that I am addressing this from a Christian perspective and you may not share my worldview. This is okay. Biblical rhetoric aside, I think my questions are still valid because this is, ultimately, not only a Christian issue. It is a human issue. These refugees aren’t faceless, soulless drones. They may be different, but they are human beings with just as much right to life as I. They have the same capacity to love, to feel, to dream as you and I do.
Are we, Christians and non Christians alike, going to set aside our comfort, riches, and fears, and care for the refugees?
I honestly don’t know what this looks like in my life. As an American, I live a life of incredible privilege. There aren’t poor and homeless people lining up at my door. The refugees are on the other side of the world. But with privilege comes responsibility. If and when the time comes to take action, I hope that I am able to do what is RIGHT and not settle for what is EASY.
It’s a complicated issue. There are a thousand arguments and counterarguments that can be made. It can be discussed for hours on end. Your opinion and worldview may be different than mine, and that’s okay. I don’t mind. Differences are not something to be afraid of. They are our greatest strength.
But I’m tired of remaining silent. I’ve been given a voice and am choosing to use it. So this is me, adding my thoughts to the universe.
In general, I’m the kind of person that, once I know what I want, pursues it wholeheartedly. I see my destination and nothing stands in my way. Perfection is an impossibility and failure is inevitable–bearing this in mind, I push forward towards my goals. This mindset has led to participating in the Minnesota State Speech tournament in high school, becoming part of Program Staff at camp, spending a semester studying abroad, and graduating college with top grades. Once I know what I want, I form a strategy. Step by step, I find a way.
But what happens when I don’t know what I want?
How do I push forward if I don’t know the direction? People from all sides, from family members to strangers, are bombarding me with questions. “Where are you going, Amelia? How will you get there?”
To the world, I must look incredibly foolish. Here I am, a twenty-something college grad living at home with no notion of where I actually want to go in life. To cope with the unknown, I’ve resigned to taking things one step at a time. I take the opportunities before me and hope that they lead me where I’m supposed to go.
A lot of my perspective on my future has to do with my faith. I feel like God is deliberately keeping me in the dark. I know that He has a plan for my life that is better than anything I can come up with on my own. I want to pursue that. When it comes down to it, I DO know what I want out of life. I want my purpose and reason for living to be for God. I have inklings of what I think He wants me to do. I feel like God wants me to return to Europe–it’s always there, nagging at the back of my mind. I also feel like God wants me to write. But what does that look like? Where in Europe should I go? What should I do there? How will I get there? What should I write?
How do I pursue the unarticulated passions of my spirit and meet social expectations? How do I balance blind faith with the pressures of stepping into full-fledged adulthood? How do I move forward if I don’t know what I want?
I’m making this up one step at a time. I’ve got two jobs right now. Both will be done by Christmas. Once Christmas has passed, I’m attending Urbana, the largest student missions conference in the world. After that… Who knows? Maybe, at the conference, my passions will finally be articulated and I’ll have a clear path. Maybe I’ll find a missions organization to partner with and be on my way to wherever I’m supposed to go. Maybe nothing will happen at all and I’ll find a full-time job and move to the cities.
I hate, hate, hate appearing foolish. I hate the disapproval that comes from not having it figured out. I hate that I know my extended family has conversations about what a hopeless floater I am behind my back. The other day, my mom said something to me to the effect of, “Amelia, it’s really hard on us to see you like this.” To which I responded, “It’s hard for you? Try being stuck here.”
I know there will come a time when the pieces will align. I know that I’ll end up somewhere. Some days, I’m really positive and optimistic about the future. Today isn’t really one of those days. Moving forward is hard when I don’t know when I want to go. For the time being, I suppose all I really can do is ignore the pressure and step blindly in a direction.
I’ve asked a lot of questions in this post that I don’t have answers to. But they’re questions that need to be asked. These things need to be articulated. In an earlier paragraph, I stated that I feel like God wants me to write. What does He want me to write about? My answer: THIS. I need to put my frustrations into words. Maybe, as the unknowns solidify into nouns and verbs, I’ll find that my passions are finally articulated. Maybe, through the act of writing, my destination will present itself. I’ll continue to write until I find out.
If we were having coffee, we’d probably be lounging on a blanket in my backyard basking in the sunshine. I’d be favoring something cold–an iced mocha or frappuccino–behind my floral sunglasses. An occasional leaf flutters from the maple tree above us.
In Minnesota, we usually have one last day of summer before the season shifts. I think it’s today and am very thankful it fell on my one day off. I’ve been ready for Fall to arrive for the past month, but can’t deny that today is absolutely perfect. The air is fresh, no humidity whatsoever. The trees are just starting to change colors. I actually spent several hours on the aforementioned blanket alternately reading and napping. It was absolutely glorious.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you all about the concert I went to last week in Minneapolis with a friend. Maddie and I met during our semester abroad in London and she recently moved to my area and has been aching to go to a show ever since. We went to see Ivan & Alyosha and Noah Gundersen. I wasn’t overly familiar with either band, but it was a wonderful show. Musically, both bands were a real treat. Ivan & Alyosha were my favorite act (I’ve been listening to them nonstop ever since). They’re really peppy with a California vibe. Noah was much more serious–his whole band wore black and oozed angst. I like his earlier music, but he mostly played stuff from his most recent album which is really existential. It was hard not to be depressed after the show as I drove the hour home well-past midnight. But I cured the overflow angst by listening to peppy pre-pop Taylor Swift songs.
If we were having coffee, you would know that I’m frustrated. For the most part, things are going very well for me right now. I have a job, a roof over my head, and get to spend lots of time with family. But a big portion of my life, my Christian faith, hasn’t been doing well. I’m not struggling, but I’m not thriving either. One of the problems is that I feel like I have too much history with the churches in my area. Most people my age go to the church I grew up in, which I no longer attend for some very painful reasons (which I discuss in this post). My family usually goes to a mega-church in the cities, which was great for in college for weekend visits and long breaks. But it’s not the kind of church I actually want to go to long-term. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s just not the right fit for me. I’ve looked into trying some other churches, but I either know too many people who go there or have been turned off by hearing about people’s bad experiences.
The thing is, Christian culture tends to be extremely conservative. And I tend to be more liberal. When I’m around other Christians, even those I love and admire, I generally keep my opinions to myself. Usually, this is because it’s not the time or place. But another factor is that most people will strike up an argument. I really dislike arguing–it does more harm than good. In arguments, people tend to spend most of the time defending their own perspective without actually caring about what the other person has to say. I don’t mind if someone thinks differently than I do, but it bothers me when others don’t respect my perspective in return. So I don’t go there.
I’m in a bit of a rut, you see. My relationship with God is one of the most important things I have. I long for Christian community who will accept me without judging me based on the way I think. I long for supporters who will spur me on in faith. I known it exists–I’ve had it before in Morris and at camp. Here, though, I feel very much alone.
If we were having coffee, though, I hope we don’t argue. Because I’d love nothing more than to spend the afternoon sipping cool drinks on that blanket with you. How has your week been? Anything you’d like to share in return?